It’s here…or almost here…SCHOOL! What’s the answer to your Big WHY?
Post your comments below…
It’s here…or almost here…SCHOOL! What’s the answer to your Big WHY?
Post your comments below…
Many emotions last week as I embarked on training week #2. Old patterns of thinking kept coming up-the pushing, the needing, and feeling like, “I can’t.” I am also having some pain in my left foot that I want to be mindful of. I’m not going to push through and hurt myself and yet at the same time there’s a need to have a little bit of fire under my butt to keep going. So while I am committed to training in-so-far as it feels like I am taking care of myself I’ll do it. If September comes and I don’t feel ready then I’ll let it go.
Lately, a sickening feeling of rage and frustration around how lost I’ve gotten, after a year of quiet, into the world of consumption have come up for me. And it feels that, a practice that I so carefully cultivated around just being, is dissipating.
The addiction of indulgence has once again returned. It’s obviously natural to want and it’s a beautiful practice to give oneself a treat every once in awhile. But that treat (for me) turns so easily into a desperate need to have that thing, to complete that goal, to get everything finished….
…I used to feel very much that if I didn’t keep pushing I would lose something vital to who I was. But now I see it as an ingrained habit and the patterns of thinking that say, “See! I told you you weren’t good enough! You just need to keep at it (at what?) and then you will have what you need to be happy.” And as if that thought pattern wasn’t enough of a blow there’s a whole story and judgment that goes along with that too.
I’m angry this morning at another careless act of leaving bike shoes outside my house that are no longer there. It’s not the money. It’s the judgment around, now, making another purchase around my carelessness.
I teach and preach forgiveness, patience, and self-compassion; fundamental to the “undoing” of ourselves. I am grateful to have developed and be supported in a practice of such mindfulness; it reminds me in all these times of feelings, whether frustration or elation, and the judgement and stories that go with them, to just be still with them and if I’m so lucky, to return to a state of just being.
January…time of new beginnings full of hope and New Year’s resolutions. I swear this year I will…
Oh shit… I already broke every single resolution…guess there’s always January 2017!
This list, hopefully comes across as an exaggeration of what many of us do when the New Year comes around; make hopeless, ridiculous goals for ourselves in which we are doomed to fail…and why should we keep at it when well, there is only one day left of January!
I spent the holidays on a ten day silent meditation retreat. Peaceful. Difficult. Sweet. Upon return,, I found myself craving and searching for some sort of high, more than usual than I had experienced in the past year. . My addiction, rather than alcohol, comes in the form of a thrill that while leaving me so excited momentarily leaves me with an emptiness that says, “I won’t be happy until I seek it again.”
January usually gets me down; vacation is over, the anticipated long winter with very little holiday celebration or festivity of lights to keep me going, and, for the past two years it has been the month in which there is impending change and hard decisions need to be made.
After a year of experimenting with what balance looks like for me (dwelling in coffee-shops for hours on end, full-time work, part time work) the only conclusion that I’ve come to is that I stress and delight with both schedules depending on my perspective that day. I still find that often I am still tipping the scale one way or the other towards something that is not entirely peaceful.
How is it that after a year of meditation and yoga practice I still experience stress and old thought patterns still creep up?
The thought of quitting my practice has not occurred to me. I am aware enough, that at least, that is is what keeps me grounded despite the waves of highs and lows.
And then it hit me…meditation is NOT going to solve my problems (damn it!). My mind is way too active to ever completely shut-up, and even though I know that the only thing permanent in this world is change, I still don’t always like it, and will respond in ways that sometimes are not always healthy. BUT, what my practice has done for me is make me more aware of the patterns; and allow me to be in those moments of stress and cravings without reacting to them.
Being in those moments reminds me to consciously set realistic goals for myself in which I will succeed, and understand that I will fall into potholes along the way.
Last Saturday morning I went for what was supposed to be an easy endurance 5 mile run. After a huge sugar binge the night before (I was babysitting) my body was feeling the comfort of my pillows and blanket and it was all I could do to pull myself out of bed and get out of the house. It ended up being a very slow walk-run of 5 miles. FAIL. But really? I biked all the way to the ocean. As I’m by the ocean, running along Crissy Fields on a crisp sunny day? Did I really fail? And won’t I have a chance to run again? Or is that it…?
We need to remember why we consciously choose the habits that we are cultivating or breaking. Strt a little at a time. Have patience. Engage ourselves in conversation even about why or why not we fell out again….and then just simply let it go to move forward.
January is just the beginning…
Sometimes I wonder if my posts are heading more towards, what my aunt would say the “woo woo” side of things. Well if they are, so-be-it! Worrying about the “woo-woo” has prevented me from writing this post for too long. So take a deep breath and bring on your woo-woo!
I’ve been exploring this idea of surrender this year. If you don’t mind, praying for it, actually. And I’ve been playing with the line between “doing” and “waiting.’ I’ve spent times, dwelling at coffee shops (if you’ve been following my blog you know) and taking time to smell the flowers. I’ve also had super busy weeks filled with activity that leave me exhausted at the end of the day. Both ends of the spectrum have given me great pleasure and stress depending on the moment.
So, this past week there were two instances that rang true for me about what surrender MIGHT mean. The first was during a morning meditation. After our silence, a cassette tape (remember those?) of questions and answers with Satchidananda was played (the guru that founded Integral Yoga). The question from a man in the audience was, “I suffer from acute panic attacks. What can I do?”
Full disclosure, I usually tune out during the tape playing part of the meditation. However, having suffered from incredible anxiety myself and having been exposed recently to two close young adult friends of mine who were also experiencing anxiety attacks I listened in.
“Anxiety comes from expectations,” he said. “So ask yourself what am I anxious about? What am I expecting?” For many of us this is feels like way too a simplistic solution. But when I think about that myself I reflect on what my own anxiety has been around. So much of of it has been about fear of not being able to….or What if I lose….or simply, What if I am not enough..
he goes on to say, “So stop expecting things. Stop having desires.” And then he laughs knowingly. “Or keep desiring and keep wishing. But know if you don’t get what you are expecting or if what you want it’s because God didn’t want you to have it. Blame God for not getting your wants.”
The word God makes many people shudder. Perhaps another way to think about this is that it’s just not meant to be.
It’s only woo woo if you take it as making the choice to stop moving towards your goal. Right now my own life has many different moving pieces that are filled with uncertainty. They often offer glimmers of opportunity that are just barely out of reach. Sometimes they grab hold and take off and sometimes they don’t. The other day, I told a friend, “My schedule this week changed in the span of five minutes.” She commented, “your whole life right now is like dating!” We both laughed.
And yet, as I commented to a housemate, “I’m hopeful and I’m wanting these opportunities to happen. But I’m not going to be miserable if they don’t.” And she said softly, “Surrendering.”
Ahhh. To my desiring, striving, ambitious, and often lazy self-that was a definition of surrendering that I could get my head around: keep on keepin on no matter the outcome. But don’t stop moving forward (even if it feels like there’s a standstill or moving backwards).
In many eastern religions we learn that the body and mind are not real. Therefore thoughts and feelings are not there. In fact they are distractions that keep us from self-realization. When we learn to witness our thoughts similar as we might witness a movie or the clouds in the sky we become detached from our thoughts and have a steadier mind.
A month ago, I returned to Yogaville, the ashram in Virginia where I received my yoga teacher training to assist in a yoga teacher teaching program. At a staff check-in towards the beginning of the month I said, “I am so excited to be here, and my one worry is about being far away from a friend who is terminally ill.”
Sure enough, yesterday, an hour after I had landed in San Francisco I received a phone message that this dear friend, after living and fighting cancer for two years, passed on. I listened to the message passively. I called the person who informed me of her death, and as I spoke tears unexpectedly flung from my eyes.
Today, a day after finding out this news,I find myself in a strange state of being grounded in my very present life of what’s going on and also feeling sad and confused.
For all the books I have read in the past few weeks, conversations that I’ve held, friends that have had parents and partners and other loved ones passed on, I can’t get a handle on this whole “death”. It’s the way I don’t understand letters as numbers or the way I want to see the intestines squeezing toxins out of the body in a half-spinal twist. Really? How?
I can’t feel it. I can’t relate to it. And I can’t take an airplane there. So then how is death real? Yoga would say it’s not. It’s an illusion. But my very rational type A self says, “But she won’t use her voice to communicate with me anymore!” and yoga would say there’s no “she” and there’s no “me.” And yet, I am not so disconnected from my body and mind that I don’t feel a very real sadness or see her physical death as a serious loss to the material world.
I also don’t understand how I don’t understand. People grieve every day for loved ones. Grief isn’t mine, it’s a collective feeling in which every one has experienced. And yet the feeling is so personal.
In a talk about anxiety, a psychologist spoke about how some patients who came to him were so infused with the importance of positive-talk that they were afraid to speak aloud their fears and anxieties. The psychologist made it clear that positive talk is a good thing if it clears the anxiety. For some, though, it is an avoidance tactic. And speaking those anxieties aloud, allowing yourself to really feel the feelings might actually be coming up (even if they are not positive) might help in relieving anxiety.
Often times when friends express uncomfortable feelings I say, “It’s there. It’s uncomfortable, And it’s okay.”
I’m uncomfortable. I guess it’s okay.
There is a collective of family and friends who love this woman very much and have been sharing pictures and stories to celebrate her life. My friend said to me yesterday, “Let’s get together soon. Eat something. Talk about our friend, and maybe even cry together.”
On the one hand, grounded in practice of meditation and yoga I witness the sadness, the anger, and the frustration at the grief and the incomprehensibility of it all. And on the other, I let myself feel all of it while being uncomfortable. I Perhaps by doing so, there will be some relief .
As a collective we will share our happiness and love of this woman, and also the sadness of our loss.
And in doing so we join hands with however many more in this world who have grieved in the past and will join hands with that many more who will grieve in the future. Perhaps this connection will, just for a minute, give us some peace.
Live on, darling. Thank you for your light.
And to add to the simple answer of “Stop,” you might say, like Thich Nhat Hanh, “Breathe, smile, and go slowly.”
So many problems arise in the world from people doing. Doing, doing, doing. We forget that we are often referred to as Human Beings rather than Human doings. Being is a much more enlightened experience than doing.
D0ing is actually an illusion that stems from identifying with the mind/body. Ultimately, we are not the doer! We are the watcher, the consciousness, and we can choose to enjoy the show every step of the way, even if the body/mind is just sitting and breathing, focusing on the breath.
So, when in doubt – stop! The ego/mind can easily start to say, “But why are you stopping? All this needs to be done! This and this must be changed! There is so much to do and so little time. Let’s go, go go, now, now, now!” Ahh, what an illusion. The ego/mind loves to think that it knows what is right. It loves to think it knows and has the power to judge right and wrong, good and bad. Of course, the knowledge the ego/mind operates is incomplete, so ultimately it cannot know. Who/what is the ego/mind to think it knows what is right and wrong to do in the world? Surely, the world has existed long before it, and will continue to exist long after it.
So really, the humble answer to any question is “Stop.” Just being is enough. Doing is not necessary. The doing will follow. But first it is important to center and ground our beingness in Love, in Goodness, in Peace. We must be what we want to see and experience in the world. For Peace in the world, experience Peace oneself. Charity starts at home. Peace starts at home. It all starts with our individual, subjective experience. And from there we build our castles! We must achieve peaceful ends by peaceful means, Peace is Every Step!
And what is one of the most Peaceful actions/non-actions imaginable? How about sitting quietly, just breathing, maybe smiling. Whatever goes on internally is up to you. Prayer, meditation, sending out love to the world, all these holy, sacred activities seem to be most easily practiced sitting still and silent.
There is ultimately nothing to do, no where to go. God takes care. God provides. God sustains. God supports and loves, unconditionally! More like, God is Love. So there is nothing to fear, and nothing to worry about. Worry and fear and anger and any all negativity are illusions of the ego/mind. Remember who and what you really are – remember who your Father/Mother is! Then all the negativity and illusion vanishes. And we can return to our Peace in just being, rather than doing.
Be. Be. Be. This Moment the Omnipresent is Present! Everywhere Present – Love.
Let go of the attachment to changing things in the world, especially if they spark feelings of anxiety and disturb the Peace. Stay connected with Peace, centered in the Holiness that is Always Present, and live. God wants nothing. So we can all strive to be like God and want nothing, realizing that nothing needs to be changed. And there is always something to enjoy and Love in the Present Moment 🙂
Attachment to any dogma regarding the world of form only creates pain and suffering. Let it go. There is not one right way to do anything in the world of form. Generally, simplicity is a good rule. And an even greater rule, which transcends form – Love! Love, Love, Love. Give, give, give. 🙂 Forget the self and Know the Self. The True Self in One and All.
Gloria in Excelsis Deo!
This blog post was written by a dear friend and blogger who, thought he was writing a post on his site instead of mine (we were both using a shared computer). However, I am so delighted that it “accidently” ended up here! To read more of his inspiring abundance please visit his blog here.
“What would you do if you had nothing?” an ex-boyfriend once asked me. I was in the middle of preparing report cards, and training for a half-ironman. I didn’t have a whole lot of time for him, and he was frustrated. Nonetheless, his question gave me pause. I loved being busy. It’s who I was, and without it? I didn’t know. I never stopped to think about what “nothing” was.
Coming back to San Francisco this past December, I felt totally lost and lonely. I had entered a huge urban metropolis that I wasn’t used to anymore. And I was confused by that lostness as I had once loved this city so much. I realized over that month that I was holding onto expectations of what this city was for me before, thinking that I would drop back into the life I had previously and pick up where I left off. Once I started to let go of those expectations I was able to have patience with the ups and downs that come with moving to a new place. But still, I marveled at the busyness of it all. Maybe because I wasn’t part of it. And of course I had just come from living in community where, part of the busy day was consciously stopping to make time for meditation and for conversations at meal time.
So yeah, I was confused…especially because I had been a part of a bigger urban metropolis just 6 months prior. So the fact that it was strange and foreign was strange and foreign. Had I changed that much in just those six months? Was I jealous of all the busyness that I no longer felt that I was a part of? Did I suddenly feel that I had “nothing?”
As it was, my loneliness led me to the Integral Yoga Institute. Having just come from Yogaville, I was rejuvenated with the idea of teaching yoga again and was determined to do so. The Integral Yoga Institute is a center in San Francisco related to the Yogaville Ashram in Virginia. It is situated in an old victorian up on a hill from Dolores Park. At night, when I stand outside on the front steps the sun lights up the sky with different neon colors as it settles over the top of the city. Since I was there, and desperate for housing in a seemingly very expensive city with a housing crisis I thought I would ask about residency as well. “Yes.” They said. And so here I am two months later living in a yoga center with housemates and a community that practice meditation and yoga, and embraces peace of mind and transition.
Shortly after I moved in, I came down with a cold. That ate up quite a few expenses as well as had me laying low for almost a month. Almost no work, no going out, and certainly no signing up for the classes that I had hoped. I was, by nature of the cold, forced to stay home, get quiet and meditate. And meditate. And meditate. It was stressful at first. I am active. I am an ironman! And to sit and watch the busy lives of those around me while I had to sit, drained of energy was indeed frustrating. And then, something happened. I relaxed. I stopped worrying. There was no need. There was no use.
I have heard that if you trust in the universe it will provide. I have some tension with this. How is that not lazy? I believe that if I want something to happen then I need to put the energy out there to make it happen. And yet, once that’s done there needs to be a certain amount of trust that the right thing will bounce back. I think what it comes down to is listening. It doesn’t mean being lazy. It means sitting and listening to that voice inside even if it doesn’t make sense. It means, at least in my case, practicing patience.
So in my three weeks in which I couldn’t do much I sat and listened a lot.I did nothing. I have achieved a certain amount of relaxation that I fear is lethargy, although I am also making sure to keep an eye on that.I am yoga-ing, journaling, involved in a small fun project, discussing, and my favorite, practicing to be a professional coffee shop dweller, an aspiration of which I had in my early twenties.
I was coming back from my favorite coffee shop, Simple Pleasures, late afternoon one day, after a morning in the foggy part of the city. I called my friend to say hi, and left a message. She texted me back and said, “I hope you get this with your phone dying and all, but I love that you ended your message with ‘I’m walking towards the sun.’
On February 14, 2002 I wrote in my journal, “Floating in the ocean with nothing better to do than stare at the bright blue sky.” This was from the white sands of the beaches in Northeastern Brazil. It was my third year of college and this was my study abroad…I was studying the relationship between ocean and sky. I wasn’t, actually. But there was something that I was trying to grasp in that journal entry that I’m just finally moving towards twelve years later: relaxation.
In that moment as in other vacation moments I’ve wondered how to bring that “floating” sensation to “every day life” or “the real world.” After leaving Mexico, where I taught 2nd grade for three years, I decided to take the year off from teaching.On purpose, with no job or home in place, I flew to Boston where I floated in between my parent’s homes by bike, by car, and by train. Things just worked out. My dad gave me his old car for the price of a new muffler. I found a job substitute teaching very easily, and out of the blue came the email that my acupuncturist said I would get. Would you like to staff the Basic Yoga Teacher Training it read from my yoga teacher.
And so I floated to Yogaville, an ashram situated in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. Once there, floating was easy. My “work” was supporting a program that I truly believe in while I too practiced with the students. Work was learning the elements of Integral Yoga again, practicing yoga every day, and meditating. “Work” was getting to know participants and their floating lives, learning and conversing with the other interesting members of the staff. “Work” was hiking the trails,
long conversations in the dining hall with others’, and jamming to poetry and chants. While I was “working” the support and love I felt as a staff was the same that I had felt four years prior when participating in the program itself. Floating felt natural as I found that many participants in the program and others that were living in the ashram were also floating.
From there, I floated to another retreat on the coast of Northern California.. While these two retreats were different they had a very similar effect on me and the message was clear: “Relax into love and you can’t go wrong.” The question among many of us was, “But how do I do that during every day life?”
Something in both places that was said resonated me. “This is every day life.”
Living in community, acting with and discussing what it means to move with awareness. And most of all, learning to live in the in-between, because that is the only thing real that exists.”And yet, that is a very scary place to be, especially when living in a city; a city where“floating” doesn’t always feel acceptable because everyone’s always racing to get on the next train especially me!
Or where there are so many distractions it’s hard to remember what feels true and to remember to give myself the time to stop and listen to the voice of love inside. And being in a city has brought up old anxieties and it’s hard to be patient with myself. I somehow feel that because I just came from these magical places of conscious floaters that I should automatically be different and when I put that should on myself I feel the fear of being in that “in-between” place creep up and from that fear tension grows.
And yet, also while being in this city,I have been lucky enough to float from amazing person to person, including loving family that has let me into their home.
The stories of inspiration, trauma, and love that I have heard are incredible.No one has spoken of perfection or of lack of want. But everyone has spoken with an understanding of the importance of following one’s heart and understanding of that chilling fear when hearing the voice that says, I am lost. And yet, with patience and tranquility the answer of what’s next always comes.
Before I left Mexico, I had lunch with a friend. When I started telling him all of my plans and everything I wanted to do with all of my excitement he said, “Sarah, I see you as lost.” My face fell and I started crying. “You need to have a plan.” he said.
I heard a “but” creeping up inside me. What’s wrong with being lost? It said.
“Yes.” I nodded my head. “A plan.”
“And not just sit around and have long lunches and tea with people.”
“Right.” I thought.
And I left that lunch feeling miserable. Why hadn’t I voiced what I had heard? There was nothing wrong with being “lost.”. And besides, I love long teas! I learned how to do that in Mexico!
Yesterday, I floated from one two hour tea date to the next. I was able to completely be with them in the moment because there was nothing else I had to do. Floating gives me the time to be still so that I can finally hear that voice within me that guides me to either go left, right, or stare at the blue sky while floating on the waves on the white sand beaches in Brazil.