How do you know when a routine is working and when it’s time to try something new? really appreciate this question, because yes, while it is dependent on each person there’s a couple of really important components that I’ve learned over the years. All the times I was struggling to get into a routine or organize a mess and I would catch myself saying, “uch. why can’t I just get into a routine.” I did not realize how successful I actually was at getting into a routine or organizing something. It just didn’t look the way I thought it should look.
My favorite example is when I moved for the umpteenth time and said to myself, “I have no idea how to set up an apartment.” When I finished setting up my apartment I noticed that I usually set it up the same way each time. I already had a system in place, but because I believed that I was “messy” and “disorganized” then I assumed that I couldn’t put an apartment together. It is only after being on this earth for as many years as I have, that I’ve come to understand that my success at being productive (so to speak) is much higher than I believe it to be. All the times that I struggled, I also continued to employ methods that I mention here: giving myself small rewards, making sure that my space is organized “enough” but not to the point of obsessive, making the tools I need visible so that it is easier to do the thing that I need to do each day.
The hard thing to understand for most of us is that progress isn’t linear and that (oh and I cringe when I say this) it is not necessary to have a routine that looks like everyone else’s in order to be productive or successful. In his book, Atomic Habits, James Clear talks about first needing to state that you believe that you are a person that wants to do the thing that you are trying to achieve. For example, “I am a writer,” or “I am a focused student that turns in their homework on time” and then instead of focusing on the outcome, (How many books did you publish? How many As did you get?) instead focus on the habits that make you into the person that you’ve stated that you are.
Sometimes, I don’t always believe I am an organized person or a good teacher, but I have enough experiences that I can point to and remind myself how I embrace the qualities of each of these identities that I want to embrace. It doesn’t mean that I am not still working on habits to become better, but if I didn’t have the positive experiences to point to I wouldn’t know what I would need to change or tweak.
Oftentimes, when I meet with students for the first time I ask them what system they have for completing homework or studying for tests. Their answers are often, “I don’t have a system.” When I start asking them more questions it turns out that they either have some elements of a system or they do have a system that just needs to be tweaked a little bit. We are engrained with such an unrealistic ideal sometimes that it is no wonder that students either give up or don’t think that they are “good students.”
Because we are often so focused on the big outcomes, we forget to look at the daily habits that might be changing or tweaking. And in fact sometimes when habits are done correctly, a grade might go down. An example could be a student that is trying to be less dependent on a parent for help. As the student tries on more habits that make them more independent from a parent, then the grade might slip a little bit. The gain here is that the student is learning on their own what works for them. This, in the long run, is what is important.
It is a tricky balance, of course. I can imagine a teenage student reading this and telling their parents to back off. And while, yes, parents should eventually back off, there ideally is some strategy in terms of how teens and parents are engaging, As I wrote about in a previous post, I do think it’s important that families engage in a dialogue about each role family members play and that students and parents come to an agreement about what kind of support might be useful in helping a student fulfill their role. In doing so, a student’s grade might drop as they try on a new routine or habit.
Since progress is not linear and those with ADHD get bored especially easily, the dopamine rush that worked one week may not work the next. I suggest (for example) making a list of rewards and ideas for breaks so that while the amount of time that one spends on homework might be the same, the type of reward or break changes. This may satisfy the ADHD brain’s need both for stimulation and routine. There may be times when a routine works for awhile and then doesn’t work, and then works again. This is okay too.
I exercise regularly, but sometimes inertia settles in and it’s hard for me to get back into it. I have the tools set up, I know the routine and when I’m ready, I’ll get back to it. In supporting a teen, this is especially important to keep in mind because they are probably suffering too as they want to do well and may not be sure how to get started again. I would just continue to remind them (and yourself if you’re a student) that they’ve done this before and that they can do it again.
The key takeaways: make a list of types of breaks and rewards, celebrate the small steps of progress (this also gives the brain an endorphin rush and makes you want to do it again), when inertia sets in remind yourself and/or the person you’re supporting that they have the tools, the routine and team to get started again when they are ready.
Spring has Sprung (although here in San Francisco we are still experiencing a variety of weather!) and finals are coming up. Schedule a session with me to get yourself prepared.
Wishing you all a lovely week!
Warmly,
Sarah Weidman
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