31 and Then Some

31…those three syllables are a mouthful…more than when I was 21 for whatever reason. And I always seem to draw out the first two syllables-thiiirrrr-tyyyy so that by the time I get to the one the listener has already moved on to another story. As if stopping at those two syllables I could somehow transmit to my listener every step of hardship and triumph of what it took to get here.  I realize that I am far from the only one that has reached such a great feat.   And yet so badly I want to say, but you don’t know the whole story…

And this is my load. My struggle. To connect every experience, place, and person that makes me who I am and still live in the present. . Travel is amazing. I can not believe in some ways how blessed I am to have the opportunity to pick up and go, pretty much, wherever I want. And it gives me the opportunity to see outside myself in some ways. And yet, there’s a loneliness to it too. To realize that leaving isn’t the only thing that will make you whole (neither is staying, necessarily). And it is a blessing to feel that I have many homes. It is a blessing to start in a new place and in five months meet a group of people that are not only fun and kind, but that I can connect with so easily. And yet, too,  I can not ignore that there is a feeling of lack of belonging to some place or someone. That already I hear the voice inside saying, “This is fun…but what’s next?” And that’s why vacation exists (“the best invention ever “as my friend R would say) as a way to get away from the routine, to refresh, and to have that “ooooh, this is what’s next. Now I’m ready to go back to the every day.”

And maybe the restlessness is what keeps me on my toes, finding new adventures both at “home” and away, and seeking new parts to add to myself. And maybe it doesn’t matter why the restlessness is there; it’s just part of who I am.

Off to the Yucatan on Sunday for two weeks! Stay tuned…

2 responses to “31 and Then Some

  1. I think this blog is just amazing. A must read.

  2. Michael Weidman (no relation)

    Very beautiful and wise entry. Enjoyed rereading.

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